Warning: Toxic!

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Warning: Toxic!

Postby The Madame X » Sun May 04, 2008 11:47 pm

Warning: Toxic!
By Madame X © 2008

Whether we are looking within or without the Nightkind Community, we will find individuals that should be tagged ‘Toxic’. Unfortunately they aren’t and we end up discovering and sometimes rediscovering this on our own.

We often talk of Asarai, those more or less traditional psychic vampires who attach themselves to us to simply drain us of our emotional energy with their more-or-less creative devices. Some of these are legitimate Vamps who feed on negative energy fluxes, so they instigate random people, even friends against each other, stirring-up trouble where there would otherwise be none in order to get their fix. But attention-seeking Drama-Queens abound both in and out of the community; to think they are confined to our Community is a mistake. They are those eternal victims who suffer constant disasters, have been dealt an utterly bad deck, are surrounded by awful people that always wrong them, and constantly need our help, pour their woes on our shoulders, or worse manage to get us involved in their psychodramas often dragging us into their hole. They can be the cute vampling looking at us, but also our bosses, our clients, our neighbors, our in-laws, our cousins, or even our next of kin.

These Toxic individuals are ‘psychic vampires’ in the truest sense of the term as defined in the old books by Fortune and LaVey. Most are unawakened energy feeders who either deny or who will never embrace their own natures or their ongoing attacks. These individuals often have serious psychological issues, including low self-esteem, unresolved histories of neglect, abandonment, abuse and/or guilt, coupled with the compelling drive to continuously project or recreate their issues on their immediate family, associates, or their ever-renewed circle of friends. These Toxic individuals cast an illusionary roll about them portraying themselves as something our ego desires. That could be the damsel in distress, the eager-student, the needy mother-figure, the social inept with potential, the trapped-victim, the sick debilitated one, the scorned-lover, or any combination of the above. We accept them into our lives because we ‘feel’ we can make a positive difference in their lives, therefore satisfying our ego. Ultimately there is nothing wrong with being compassionate or helping someone along, the problem is that while they will accept our help, to a greater or lesser degree, their emotional predation will not cease. While we try to resolve one of their troubling issues, another one just as serious is arising. They may even create serious tangled webs of guilt and co-dependency to better entrench us in their misery, bitterness or acrimony.

When we first develop a relationship with these Toxic individuals, by desire or circumstance, we often feel a strong sense of responsibility for them, as if we somehow have to protect them. They have a way of manipulating our emotions into an almost submissive mode, where we will feel guilty if we cannot accommodate them, feeling somehow indebted to them.
As the relationship progresses we may alter our own normal behavior in order to cater to their over burgeoning needs and desires, even create excuses to protect them and their behavior. We become driven to please them at all costs, ease their troubles and calm their soul. If the Toxic individual is really good, we may not even recognize anything out of the ordinary is happening, and should we realize we have somehow become different, we will certainly not understand why or how. If we fail to identify their behavior as emotional predation, we may become quite cemented in this taxing relationship. Such Toxic people prey not only on us but also on our family and friends and their behavior can affect more than the relationship itself, extending to our professional life as well as our overall health.
In the final stages of the relationship, (and there is always a final stage, at least a stage where a temporary distancing occurs) we realize we are depleted; the relationship has finally take its toll. We are exhausted from the fighting, immune to the onslaught of tears, could care less about the dirty gossip, have finally realized that the complex chain of illnesses are psychosomatic, and that the tales of woe were greatly embellished deliberately to victimize. If we look deeper we will notice lies and manipulation. We now look for time apart from these individuals, and try to keep those close to us away from their madness as well. As Nightkind sensitive to energy we now begin to see them as a great black hole continuously draining everyone’s energies. They may need help, but we are certainly not the ones that can ultimately help them…that is, if they are not beyond help… At this point we have finally identified the real issue and are ready to break free; but it is never easy to leave someone who is so needy and has so many issues, and there certainly is no better time to do it.
Their emotional tentacles extend deep into us, often causing us to delay separation till its utterly painful, and when it does occur, we may long to have that person back in our life, feeling extreme guilt for abandoning them when they needed us most. Sometimes we let them back in only to go through the same exact pattern, and come to the same exact realizations.

Ideally we need to identify early on in our relationships these Toxic individuals by the small tell-tale signs they put out, steer clear of then and never allow them into our lives or the lives of our loved ones. But life is simply not that clear-cut. Some of these Toxic people are in our immediate family, live next door, work alongside us and are part of our living biosphere. So we need to learn how to cope with these Toxic individuals. When keeping a physical distance just isn’t possible we need to come up with real ways to keep them at bay emotionally or at least ensure that their dark cloud does not suffocate us. While it may not be easy, particularly when we are being drained by a constant source; we need fill our days with positive moments seeped in all those wonderful things that give us pleasure and are as far removed as possible from that special Toxic person. Through whatever means possible, we need to protect our own energy, anchor it, replenish and revitalize it.
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Postby SoVeReIgN » Mon May 05, 2008 12:23 am

You are reading my mind again MX. I know all too well how these people operate.

This was an excellent article. Brava! I intend to reread it when I have more time to devote to just myself.

Hope that you all have been well. I will back to regular posting on HotD soon.

I have missed you all.

Well wishes,

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Postby RavenHarte » Mon May 05, 2008 8:39 pm

SoVeReIgN.... Its freaky when she does that isnt it??? LOLOL

Again this article, and the bumped article which resonated with me so strongly 2 years ago... they are all too significant to me right now, as anyone on my myspace probably already has seen. I smacked myself in the face with my own words in fact, about not being able to heal because I have kept my wounds open to continue to "feed" others. I have known for awhile I have people I need to cut from my life, a particular person especially. A large sucking heart chakra wound has been going on for way too long. Even the card I pulled during ritual Sat night told me exactly what must be done... but this synches it I think. Its the last kick in the pants, now I must do as I am told :)

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Postby The Madame X » Mon May 05, 2008 9:56 pm

Thank you both.
I'm glad its timely.

Writing this was something I really needed to do. I think I will read it at least once every day. Maybe memorize it like a mantra lol
oye...if you only knew... and good thing you don't.
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Postby EzikielTempted » Tue May 06, 2008 1:07 pm

I think we've all met these people. If I ever seem needy, smack me, please?

This relates quite well to the post done about there not being room in the nightkind community for victems. Certainly, venting frutrations and life force sucking bitchfests are quite different.

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Postby Dys » Sun May 11, 2008 8:04 pm

I would further put forth the theory that due to the high level of energy most of us process on a daily basis that we attract them like bees to honey. There was a while that nearly every person I dated was like that & each relationship followed the same pattern described in the article.

I have a rather unorthodox method for dealing with them when you are forced to deal with them; it doesn't work in every case, especially when the person is a close family member, but I find 'playing the fool' so to speak drives them insane. Take nothing seriously & act completely randomly; it throws their strategy for keeping you their personal door mat all out of whack....

The other is rather drastic & can result in grave injury & possibly death to them; they bring it on themselves. It is a form of a curse...you word it that if they don't realize how they are hurting others & change it, they will be sealed in a field of their own negativity. They will be sealed from everything but their own energy & it their own negativity will slowly consume them. It is nasty, but it keeps them from harming anyone else or you anymore.
"Expect nothing, but be prepared for anything"-Dys

"We are twilit spirits racing through the Dream...lets not forget to stop & smell the roses..."-Dys

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Postby Khan » Mon May 12, 2008 12:59 am

I would contend that possibly these toxic folks are actually as vampyric as many of us. I had a neighbor who seemed to call at the worst moment to tell me how horrible her life was, until I just really wanted to not associate with people altogether.

I think that some really just are emotional vampires, feeding from achievement, misery, charity, or any other quality where it has adverse effects on one's being. You can see the people who have to be the center of attention, and then starts to get ill when they're not. They feed off the reactions of others the way a sang would feed from blood.

The truth in life is that there is always a balance to the energies and actions of the world we live in, and some of these folks play as much of a part in it as we do. Purpose is sometimes a very odd thing....
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Postby Amara-Syn » Tue May 13, 2008 2:34 am

This article totally fits what I have been going through in my life with my mother and other people as well. It seems that these type of people always find me, and because I am nice caring soul who will pretty much do anything for the ones I care about, I have become the walking mat for many of people, until recently. It goes against my first instincts, but I have finally had to learn to evaluate each relationship with potential people in my life before becoming really close to them. I am tired of "setting" myself up to be hurt and taken advantage of. It has made it very hard to put myself out there for others, because I believe that everyone is like this. This is partly the reason why I stopped posting here a few months ago. (not that anything happened here) I just got freaked that I might have found a place where I could be myself and everyone wouldn't take advantage of me, and I would be accepted for who I really was...I ran for the hills. I needed that time to figure out if I was willing to put myself out there again for strangers to learn about who I am, and what I have to offer, without draining me dry. I am ready. Trust is a hard thing for me. But I trust that months ago I found this House because I belong here. and in my finding this, my husband has also found a place where he can belong also.

I have since learned that sometimes you just need to let the "Toxic" ones go, if they only want to bleed you dry, they aren't worth having around, and even if they are family it doesn't give them the right to treat you like that.

grrrrrr...another topic that made my blood boil...it seems to be the time for that.
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Re: Warning: Toxic!

Postby LadyGigiFrost » Thu Oct 04, 2012 2:21 pm

Thank you for bumping this for me.
I just wanted to let you know that I am going through this post and reading it .

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Re: Warning: Toxic!

Postby SophieAnn » Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:58 pm


I agree with what has been posted here, but there is something I want to add.

I believe it is both necessary and healthy to observe unhealthy relationships concerning the people around us. There are some who seem to dwell on drama and also use this as an instigator to thrive on others' energy (also giving the rest of us a bad name). I certainly know that there have been emotional vampires in my past, and some who I have needed help to prise away from my space after I have done all I can.

However, as a counselling student I do want to question the way we use 'toxic'. To me toxicity means 'poison', 'to be avoided'. Even when the concept of pain is so paramount, I feel for the person who strives to gain emotional energy in this way. To suggest toxic is to assume that for as long as the label stands (and usually much longer than it need) a person is beyond the need, the comfort and the love of another. Even a drama queen has needs!

I would also like to draw attention to the idea of emotional and mental disorders. The ones that spring to mind immediately are bipolar and borderline personality disorders. Within the former, the sufferer is driven to extremes between being needy, and being high. Unlike emotional vampiricism where the need is to attain energy from maintaining dramas, within bipolar the sufferer is driven towards extremes, often involving others to support them through the lows and keep them safe during highs. For anyone involved, this is exhausting and demanding and often drugs are the only way of dealing with this: mindfulness and talking therapies only have a limited effect. To the sufferer there is the prospect of suicide. To the carer, there is the constant draining and demands.

Borderline personality is often characterised by neediness of sucking another in to what is at first glance quite easy to sort out but becomes ever more complex. Like a proverbial fly within a web each attempt to struggle out gets entangled deeper. Boderline personality sufferers often have difficulty understanding reality (or what most of us would identify as a solid enough reality to connect with others!) and that distortion affects negatively their view upon themselves and the world. I believe this can also be confused with emotional vampiricism since there is a need to hook others into a web of drama.

In both of these examples, serious help is needed. Yes, should we become entangled within their dramas, we need (as per the example of the emotional vampire) to get out. But we also need to realise these people need help, and to use whatever resources we have to encourage a person to attain it. Should they not do so, this is of course their choice and they need to realise there is only so much we can do. (even I as a potential therapist can only do so much with theories and voice.) But please.... these are people who need our love and recognition. They are suffering. Let us, at least within our minds not call 'them' 'toxic' but instead send them our love and very best wishes. Who knows how long it will be before they meet another who can do this?

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Re: Warning: Toxic!

Postby Lynskha » Sat Mar 31, 2018 8:56 pm

That is a good topic to be dicussed. Unfortunately I believe most of us came across situations like that. People that simply act in a way to drain others, and people do not realize and do everything to protect and help them. Even losing money, facing problems at work or with family in order to defend these toxic people. Sometimes it is hard to get out of a situation like that.
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