How to Prevent Sexual Predation at Your Pagan Rituals

[Aislin Ni MorRhiaghan]

How to Identify and Prevent Sexual Predation at Your Pagan Rituals


by L. Lisa Lawrence

"The story you are about to hear are true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."

Now that those of us old enough to remember the 1960s show Dragnet have gotten our giggles out of the way, I'm going to address a serious and often ignored issue in the pagan community.

In a community where our religion considers sex to be a sacred act rather than something to be ashamed of, and where many participants are bisexual, poly and sex-positive, where do we draw the lines of acceptable behavior?

For those of us who work in small, close-knit family-styled groups with people we trust and know well, it may never be an issue, but for those of us who facilitate public ritual, hold open events and run large groups, sexual predation is a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

Sexual predation in other religious communities has been headline news recently due to allegations of sexual abuse by Catholic priests and the cover-up of those acts by the Church coming to light. Pagan clergy, in contrast, aren't expected to live an unnatural and celibate lifestyle while having access to young altar boys, so it's easy to think that it's nothing we need to worry about. It is all too easy to sweep the possibility of a potential sexual predator in our midst under the carpet. No one wants to seem like a prude or open up for lawsuits against slander or libel. Most of us have never had a problem in our groups, right? There is no need for a policy, right? That's what I thought.

The fallacy of this thinking came home to me recently on one of the e-mail lists I moderate. I was shocked when a list member recounted accusations against another member who had responded to a sexually oriented post. The accuser said, among other things, that the other member had been banned from a former group. I didn't want someone slandered, flamed or falsely accused on the list, but neither did I want a potential predator loose in our community.

I discreetly verified the banning and related events with the leadership of the group in question and discovered that this man had been thrown out of the group for unwanted touching, kissing and groping of women, as well as for providing drugs to underage girls.

I was at a complete loss. I knew the accused. I knew the accuser. I had circled with the group. Someone made the comment that if I didn't know anything about the incident, likely no one else did either.

Although the accused was someone whom I considered a bit over-friendly, like a half-grown golden retriever puppy who sniffed crotches and jumped on people with muddy paws, I had never considered him threatening. I also knew one of the accusers to be a calm, mature, honest woman whom I respect and trust completely.

When one of this man's victims came forward to tell me her story, it was as if she was talking about a different person than the man I had in mind. I realized then that my perceptions may be a bit different than most. I stand over 6 feet tall in shoes and am a former federal law enforcement officer, quite literally a "trained killer." I work out regularly and am a competitive athlete. When I was jumped by a drunk while running in Wright Park when I first moved to Tacoma, I physically and forcefully created distance between the assailant and me, chewed the guy out and walked away. I ran another loop around the park and only called the police (on the nonemergency line) when I thought about what the attack would have been like for a child or elderly woman.

As a result of the issue on the list, I had to take a moment and put myself in the shoes of someone who may stand a foot shorter and weigh 100 pounds less than a potential predator and may not know how to defend herself or himself physically or even verbally. In order to do this, I had to do some journey work, and it was horrifying. This led me to ask myself, "What would I do if a situation like this ever occurred at Gaia's Grove?" Unfortunately, it wouldn't be long before I received an answer to that question.

"Ben" was a new member of our group. He was recently divorced and newly pagan, and it was pretty obvious he was looking for a date. Not that there's anything wrong with that; it only makes sense that the place to find a "nice pagan girl" is at a pagan event. The problem was that he hit on virtually every woman he came in contact with and didn't back off when they weren't interested.

The first time he showed up at my circle, he looked at me and said, "I've seen your Web site. I think we have a lot in common." He was definitely hitting on me but certainly had not crossed any lines. I made it quite clear that I was not interested and was dating someone at the time. His next social faux pas came only a few moments later, when he announced at a table of women he didn't know that he "needed to get laid." Having made virtually the same comment myself during dry spells (albeit in more intimate settings with people I knew well), I didn't think that much of it. I just figured that he was lacking in social skills.

However, soon virtually all of the women and several men in the group started referring to Ben as "the creepy guy." He stood too close to people, made inappropriate comments and clearly lacked a sense of boundaries. Women began to avoid him, and the men started getting pissed off when he showed unrelenting interested in a married woman in the group and did not back off when told she was married and not interested.

It only took a month before the first report hit. Ben had followed a woman down to the basement and cornered her in the dark kitchen, physically grabbing her arm to keep her from walking away. Because she was a strong woman and completely capable of telling him "You are invading my space -- back off!", which she did, she didn't think it was necessary to tell me about it. She only told me a few weeks later after Ben posted pornographic pictures of himself on a group e-mail list designed for families.

Not soon after, another woman told me about an identical incident that occurred on another night. She is also very strong and outspoken and told him, "If you ever touch me again, it will be the last thing you ever touch." I knew that the two woman could not have coconcocted their stories together, because they didn't know each other. When I started to think about Ben's effect on young girls and the less assertive and physically able, I knew that I had a serious problem on my hands.

I confronted Ben. Instead of his saying it was all a misunderstanding or offering to keep his hands to himself and respect boundaries, he became angry and accused the two women and me of being liars and "lesbian man-haters." This was not a good sign. Given the serious accusations against him, I decided I needed to remove him from the group.

In the case of Gaia's Grove, which meets under the auspices of the Unitarian Universalist Church, this was easy to do. All I had to do was go to the church board and minister and explain that two women's physical boundaries had been crossed and that Ben's presence was a potential danger and liability. Ben's posting of pornographic pictures and homophobic messages, which do not go over well in a Unitarian community, helped seal his case. I received full support to ask Ben not to attend again and to enforce it if he tried.

I am lucky because our events are held on private property, and I have the right to have someone removed by the police if necessary. Those who hold events in public venues are not as lucky. One really sad thing in this case is that one of my first concerns needed to be liability. If I hadn't had a legal background and been extremely careful what I said, I could have opened up myself, Gaia's Grove and the Unitarian Church up for a lawsuit. This point is worth considering if a similar situation arises in your group.

My next challenge after removing Ben was not so easy. How would I keep him from repeating his actions somewhere else? The Tacoma pagan community is not exactly cohesive and is famous for witch wars. But in this case I really didn't care who liked me, and I discreetly e-mailed the leaders of all local groups that put on public events, letting them know that although Ben had done nothing illegal complaints had arisen about him and that it might be a good idea to watch him and make sure that women didn't wander off alone, which is good advice anyway.

What happened after that was amazing. Almost everyone in the community put aside their personal differences and shared information for the good of all. One small-minded individual who couldn't put aside his personal feelings made a snarky comment, but the people who mattered stepped up to the plate and took steps to protect the members of their community.

During this process, we discovered from community reports that Ben had long-standing and deep-seated anger against women, especially those he perceived to be lesbians. As a former crisis counselor and emergency services worker, I know enough about men who commit violent acts against women to know that this was a serious danger sign. We may never know what Ben's intentions were, but I chose to err on the side of protecting the community.

Luckily, Ben apparently left the pagan community as quickly as he had appeared. The general consensus is that he had read somewhere that pagan girls are easy and thought that a pagan group might a good place to get laid or find an orgy.

As my next step, I stated thinking about how to prevent people like Ben from disrupting my community.

I had learned many lessons from this situation. The first and most disturbing was that the victims of inappropriate advances are highly unlikely to report it or to complain to anyone about it. This information shouldn't come as a shock. As a former paramedic and law enforcement officer, I saw many women refuse to file charges against men who beat or raped them. Many victims (and they can be male or female) often feel that they did something to bring it on, that they should have handled it better or that if they didn't feel threatened no one else would either. The two women who did not report their experiences with Ben said they "didn't want to make a big deal out of it." In addition to the fact that they didn't feel that they were in danger, I think perhaps they may have even been a bit embarrassed to end up in a dark basement or hallway cornered by "the creepy guy."

In response, I made certain to let everyone who comes to Gaia's Grove know that if someone makes inappropriate advances or touches someone without consent, the person on the receiving end should report it immediately. We are working on a written policy and behavioral guidelines for attendees, which should be published in written form and online before our next ritual. I know that other groups are doing the same.

Even if the recipient of the unwanted attention doesn't personally feel threatened, she or he should report it. Event facilitators can't do anything about the problem if they don't know about it. Ben may not have been physically intimidating to either of the women involved, but I wouldn't want a young girl or elderly woman put in the same situation. Another important thing to do is to determine if there is a pattern of behavior that needs to be addressed.

At the same time, I made certain that everyone understood that unwelcome touching or advances would not be tolerated and that the offender would be warned and potentially banned from the premises or turned over to local law enforcement authorities if the situation was severe enough.

Everyone is responsible for their own safety and comfort and should watch out for others as well. In a perfect world, we would be able to walk in the woods or a darkened basement alone. We do not live in a perfect world.

How do we know if someone is a potential sexual predator or just totally lacks social skills? We don't. The line can be very thin, and we do not always have all the information we need. I personally know of people who have had violent assault and domestic violence convictions expunged from their records or who got off on deferred prosecution. The lack of a criminal record is no guarantee. When we welcome someone into one of our events, we don't know anything about them.

I've learned some things to watch out for at public gatherings. We can look for whether a specific individual:

· Gives a lot of people "the creeps."

· Seems to lack a sense of personal boundaries.

· Does not respect the personal space of others.

· Continues to indicate sexual or romantic interested in someone who has said no.

· Demonstrates anger and unresolved issues towards a specific gender or sexual orientation.

None of these things are illegal, nor do they necessarily constitute a violation of event guidelines. However, they are warning sings that a specific individual may need to be observed. This observation can and should be done quietly and discreetly.

The situation is more cut-and-dried if a person engages in:

· Unwanted touching of any kind.

· Unwanted kissing, fondling or other sexual contact.

· Sexual or other assault.

The trick is to prevent a situation from getting to the point where it is a crime. But catching problems before they get to the point where they are obvious is difficult.

An important part of the framework for dealing with unwanted attention or touching lies with the person on the receiving end. Some good guidelines:

· Avoid being caught alone, away from a group, with someone you don't know.

· If someone approaches you in an unwelcome fashion, tell that person in no uncertain terms their behavior is unwanted.

Tell the group facilitator that the behavior occurred, because it may have happened to other people.

Next come the responsibilities of group leaders:

· Have a policy in place and apply it fairly.

· Use discretion and protect the privacy of all parties.

· Do not allow the victim to be blamed.

· Collect reports and evidence if you need to prove a pattern.

· Watch and listen before taking action.

Watching and listening are important because sometimes people are falsely accused, having gotten on the wrong side of someone. Most of the major witch wars I have witnessed boil down to who slept with or didn't sleep with whom, or whose ego got bruised. The accusations that fly can be quite astonishing, especially after a few years when they've evolved into impressive and colorful stories. It is vital to make certain than an innocent person is not being falsely accused because of such a vendetta.

When a problem has been clearly demonstrated, sometimes steps can be taken in a specific, deliberate order. Other times, it's a matter of quick and drastic action. Some suggestions:

· Explain to the problem person why his or her behavior is inappropriate.

· If the person at issue accepts responsibility and indicates a desire to change behavior, issue a warning.

· If the person does not accept responsibility, or if he or she becomes angry or blames the victim, ask that person to leave the group.

· Discreetly let other group leaders know that this person may need to be watched at their events. Don't just dump a problem on someone else. This information can be provided without libel or slander.

· If the person has committed a crime, call local law enforcement.

The last point brings up an interesting issue in the pagan community. Some pagan traditions consider bringing "cowan" (mundane) law into coven affairs as oath-breaking. Because of this, people who call the police or social services on a covenmate might face punishment up to and including banishment themselves.

With these traditions, a sexual predator potentially could be disciplined or thrown out of a coven or tradition but never face criminal charges for serious offenses. My tradition's oath includes not doing anything "illegal or dishonorable" and expects its adherents will be functional members of society and good citizens, so that is not an issue for us. It is important to know and understand what oaths you are taking and what they mean before dedicating yourself to any group or tradition.

Open groups that hold public events often do not hold or take oaths to a specific tradition and therefore do not have the prohibition against involving local law enforcement in a serious situation.

In a perfect world, we wouldn't have to talk about issues like sexual predators, but we don't live in a perfect world. Sometimes, we have to confront emotional and uncomfortable topics to provide the safest environment possible for ritual, celebration and personal growth. One of the best gifts we can give to ourselves and our communities is to take responsibility for our own actions and to watch out for each other.

Copyright © 2004 by the article's author