50 Ways to Play: BDSM for Nice People

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50 Ways to Play: BDSM for Nice People

Postby The Madame X » Mon Aug 06, 2012 9:08 pm

50 Ways to Play: BDSM for Nice People a book by Debra and Don Macleod
By Joyce Lamb, USA TODAY
http://books.usatoday.com/happyeverafte ... d/816637/1

So you've read Fifty Shades of Grey and you're kinda intrigued by the whole BDSM thing but have no idea where to start. I see you shaking your head, but you're not fooling anyone. To help you out, Debra Macleod, who specializes in couples' communication, shares some BDSM tips for nice people. You heard me! You can find out more in her new book (which she wrote with her husband, Don), 50 Ways to Play: BDSM for Nice People (out today!). Until you pick that up, Debra shares this:
Debra: Flip through a photo album of when you and your spouse or partner first met. What are you doing? Most likely you're smiling, holding hands and thoroughly enjoying each other's company in some fashionable resort town, on a romantic sunny beach or even at the county fair. You're probably gazing into each other's eyes with happy adoration. Looks like fun, doesn't it?
Somewhere between the first date and the birth of their last child, however, many couples stop having fun. Why? Take your pick: money problems, work stress, a sink of dirty dishes, competing priorities, taking each other for granted and surreptitiously texting that girl at the office or that guy at the gym. Add poor communication to the mix – which in turn leads to hurtful assumptions, unchecked negativity, constant fighting and jaw-clenching frustration – and you have a photo album with far more gray skies than blue.
Family life, for all its joys, can also extinguish the flames of fun in a long-term relationship. Sure, kids are adorable and parents can bond over them; however, some couples focus so much on their children that they fall off each other's radar. I see many couples in my practice who have slipped into this kind of child-centered marriage. "We don't have time for a date night," they tell me. "Between soccer practice, dance class and music lessons, our evenings are booked."
While these parents' intentions are noble – who doesn't want to raise smart, skilled kids? – they've forgotten an important part of parenting. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is a living, breathing example of how two people love each other. How they smile, laugh, share secrets, run off to the movies (something not produced by Pixar or Walt Disney), steal away for romantic weekends, giggle behind closed doors and grow old together. As far as life skills go, that's at least as important as learning the violin.
So what makes a marriage fun? Respect, humility and good humor, smart money management, shared housework, regular heart-to-hearts and true affection all set the stage. But it's behind-the-scenes, in the privacy of their bedroom, where a couple should play the most. Unfortunately, it's here that many couples drop the ball.
Relationship problems often show up in the bedroom first. That's because emotional and physical intimacy are two sides of the same coin. Both have separate value but, when combined, become invaluable. Many formerly frisky couples who slip into low-sex marriages fear that they are falling out of love when the real problem is that years of boring, predictable sex have taken the fun out of intimacy. If that sounds like you, I have some work for you to do. Then you can play.
First, take a look around your bedroom. What do you see? A pile of dirty clothes. An elliptical machine in the corner. A laptop on the nightstand. Kids' toys on the dresser and Lego pieces strewn across the floor. Chances are, your bedroom couldn't be a less sexy space if you dragged in the toilet, sat on the lid, and started clipping your toenails in front of the person you're supposed to be seducing.
Not too long ago, I had occasion to visit a legal brothel in Nevada on business. A friendly courtesan was kind enough to give me a tour of the working ladies' bedrooms, which they were allowed to decorate as they wished. Each bedroom was decorated in classic bordello style with bold wall colors in emerald green, deep blue and scarlet red. Thick, rich drapery hung on the windows and sheer, sexy canopies hung over the beds. "Ah," I thought. "There's a lesson here."
A couple's bedroom should be this kind of erotic, escapist space. It should be a sensual sanctuary to which they can retreat in private to enjoy adult playtime. To that end, rip that Do Not Enter sign off your preteen's bedroom door and put it where it belongs – on yours. Roll cathouse color onto your walls, replace your cotton sheets with satin ones, and throw some thick, richly textured pillows on the bed. Put a red light bulb in your bedside lamp and light some incense. Fill an "adult toy box" with erotic aids. Your bland bedroom is now a spicy boudoir.
Next, think about what you and your partner usually do in bed. If your moves have become routine or predictable, they too may need a makeover. Sex is most satisfying when there is a good balance of mental and physical arousal. Think about how you can add both to your sexual repertoire.
Erotica, for example, is an effective and non-intimidating way for couples to disconnect from their day and segue into a sexy state of mind. This escapist quality is perhaps the prevailing reason that Fifty Shades of Grey has found favor with busy moms and middle-age women. Many of them have used this book as a catalyst to spark desire.
To help bring some of the edgy ideas in this popular series to life, couples may wish to check out 50 Ways to Play: BDSM for Nice People. When Penguin Books asked me to write this book, I envisioned the low-sex couples who regularly march through my office, and I wrote it for them. Striking a balance between mental and physical arousal, I incorporated the enticing "domination and submission" theme of Fifty Shades of Grey with practical how-to sex tips that are just kinky enough for mainstream couples.
Finally, buy a new photo album and ask your kids to snap some pictures of Mom and Dad walking on the beach, having a water fight on the driveway, or packing for a trip-for-two. Lead by example. It's a great way to make your work as partners, and parents, feel more like play.
Ex Somnius Scientia
Madame X
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