Journey With Anger

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Journey With Anger

Postby SophieAnn » Wed Oct 17, 2012 2:26 am

Journey with Anger

What I write I endeavour as a joint article for House of the Dreaming, and for my counselling portfolio. I intend to demonstrate my journey with anger and recent understanding I have gained attained through the latest workshop. Since is a joint project between two different disciplines I shall share any learning which I have gained within the group personal to myself and as such respect all confidentialities within my counselling group.

Until very recently I have always thought of anger as destructive and something to be avoided. Part of me feels shame for this: after all am I not the one who has always advocated freedom of expression to others; am I not the one who openly believes that the darker forms of our organismic self is something to be cherished in order for that inner potential to be fully realised? Do I not often refer to myself as a Dark Healer?

Part of the reason I avoided anger is because I associated anger with danger. Danger of harm to others; danger of harm to self. Danger associated with all the betrayal from others to any acknowledgement I am a human being. Denial of others’ rights when as a youngster and in fits of rage I lashed out. All kinds of reasons to shut the door on anger.

I remember that day so well, a day I unexpectedly relived and consequently shared within the process element of my counselling lesson. It was a day when I grew tired of these fits of rage that stood to separate me from the world I cared so much about, gave so much passion. And I saw a meadow, with a gentle hill. Birds. The sun was shining. Time was irrelevant, and everything was peaceful. And I took my anger there.

Since then, I learned to get angry after the event when it was safer and to a large extent take the energy from my raw feelings to the thoughts on my head. I would become angry with politicians and those who sought to hold me back. I would become angry at those who would seek to hurt me and cause me pain. I would get angry at myself for not meeting my own high standards of what I expected. But never, in all these cases would I bring my anger directly into the event, for to do so would be to lose that control I had gained; to submit to my own inner darkness I was slowly coming to understand. Yet whilst I could understand it, to feel it, experience it, was so much deeper. It was to the very depths of the dark cave I was afraid to travel. Dealing with anger in such an arbitury way, so removed from a situation was to remove myself. It was part of the high price I had to pay from ever having made a decision that somehow my own anger was more scary and less significant that anyone else’s.

And since I have grown to know myself as The Universal Holder of Love, someone who has an ability to seize upon aspects of creativity and belief that come from the Universe and help others attach to this to realise their potential. That this vibration is always out for them, but all they have to do is to hear it through whatever internal systems or beliefs they employ. I am simply a medium, an amplifier, to allow this to happen. Thus keeping my own anger at bay was convenient to allow this to take place.

And yet, as the person who I was coupled with during that counselling lesson indicated, how much of myself was still remaining? How much in that field I visualised ever moved? How much challenge could I ever give myself and how much was I able to move forward as a result? In making these choices I had indeed kept a lot of people happy. No-one had to listen to my direct screams, the need to pick things up and hurl them at the wall or bang my fists into my bed shouting, kicking and screaming. Yet I ask myself again but at what cost?

For what I did not realise was that anger – direct anger, the sort I had so carefully managed to avoid – also carries other things. For a start the display of anger releases energy: energy that to withhold becomes trapped, stale and fragmented leading to self-hate, doubt, inner pain, confusion and especially isolation. For not to engage with anyone at all means that the anger cannot hurt anyone and ultimately whatever the cost I am safe.
And yet there is another cost, one that until two days ago I did not even consider. As it was mentioned by our teacher, I could feel the realisation of so many years of confusion and pain manifest itself in the very real tears falling behind my glasses. Sex drive.

Those who have been with me know I have a huge passion for sex. Yet all these thoughts emerge as stories, sensations and ideas. Like anger I have had difficulty focusing or dealing with in the moment. In desperation one partner after another has failed to keep my physical actions motivated as though my spirit herself were unwilling to engage. Never did it occur to me that all these years all my direct actions have been buried within that lovely meadow, that my desire to keep others safe at the same time had led me to such isolation that in spite of my label as Holder of Love I was unable to carry out the one thing I desired most; to share my own immediate desires with those I consider so special and passionate.

Looking back now, I feel cheated. Cheated of expression, cheated of how my own forms of inner darkness have been so submerged I have denied myself the full enrichment of my inner being; the soul of my organismic self. And yet there is still time. But time to do what?

I am 39 now and I find myself looking back upon my younger self in her late teens. I have the control I so badly sought at such a young age and I do not think the rages will occur in such a dramatic way. I need to be able to tell others, even those I care about when I am annoyed and what I am feeling. To do so feels scary and so against everything I have taught myself to believe. Yet, through my different teachings of spiritual pathways, I understand that it is my reaction that is angry, not a direct cause lying within someone else’s responsibility. That anger is a part of me, and I need to recognise it. It does not take away from who I am, but adds more into the dynamic I have with others and aids connection and communication. I do not have to lower myself to the level of those who chose to live in anger, fear and pain for eternity. I am better than that. I have anger, and I react with anger to some things that happen. Some of those others might understand, to others it will be a mystery. So deal with it!
Make every moment special
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SophieAnn
 
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