ARTICLE: THE “S” WORD: Suck it up, you two-timing piece of c

[Bholanath]

Perhaps inspired by Yom Kipper (the Jewish Day of Atonement), the New York Press recently ran this article which I felt inclined to share (for both content and humor)

[ from http://nypress.com/17/37/news&columns/dategirl.cfm ]

THE “S” WORD
Suck it up, you two-timing piece of crap.

By Judy McGuire
dategirl@nypress.com



IF YOU WANT to keep the peace in any kind of relationship, it is inevitable at some point that you're going to have to suck it up and say you're sorry. Apologizing is rarely easy, but daunting though the task may be, there are definitely degrees of difficulty on the Remorse-o-Meter.



"Sorry I left a floater"—not too hard.



"Sorry I was a complete and utter scumbag"—slightly tougher, but definitely doable.



"Sorry I may or may not have raped you and, through my legal team, implied all manner of horrible things about your character, released your name, as well as your sexual and psychiatric histories, to the media…"—Well, apologizing for that effectively is apparently impossible. Of course I'm speaking of Kobe Bryant's half-assed, blame-deflecting, attorney-scripted excuse for an apology, issued to the woman he was accused of raping. Note the apology came only after she decided not to cooperate with prosecutors.



Now if, as he claims, he didn't force himself on this woman, why apologize? Dropping four-mill on a gigantor purple diamond seems to have bought Mrs. Kobe's forgiveness—why apologize to someone he claims is a big liar? Most people, when falsely accused of a crime, do not express regret for that which they didn't do. In fact, I'd bet that most folks would be pretty cranky about the whole thing. But not our Kobe.



"Although this year has been incredibly difficult for me personally, I can only imagine the pain she has had to endure," Kobe magnanimously lamented.



Poor widdle baby, you had a rough year! Wah! The duplicitous dribbler goes on to graciously admit, "Although I truly believe this encounter between us was consensual, I recognize now that she did not and does not view this incident the same way I did." Really? What gave you that impression? The big scary police officers who put you in handcuffs?



Although the Kobe Scenario is an extreme example, most of us are completely lame when it comes to expressing remorse—especially toward those we are getting naked with. Despite what the soppy 70s hit, Love Story, would have us believe, love does mean having to say you're sorry. Having been on both sides of any number of infuriating apologies-gone-wrong, I've jotted down a few rules to grovel by:



• Accept responsibility for your fuck-up. Do not ever add the dread disclaimer to the end of your apology. Disclaimers are generally preceded by a "but" and quickly followed by a lame excuse for said bad behavior. An example: "I'm so sorry I stole your car, totaled it and killed an innocent pedestrian in the process, but that bartender kept buying me shots, and you know how rambunctious I get when I'm liquored up!"



• It is, however, important to keep your responsibility in check. I'm talking about the urge to throw yourself a pity party. Resist. "Of course I fucked everything up—I'm a horrible person. I don't know why you even waste one second of your life with me. I am a zit on the Earth's ass. I am the worst, most sorriest excuse for a human being ever." Spare me. It's not your victim's job to make you feel better. You suck. Otherwise you wouldn't be begging forgiveness.



• Do not apologize for how the person you hurt feels—ask forgiveness for your actions. Example: "I'm sorry if what I said upset you" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" may sound like apologies, but they're not. What you're actually saying is, "I'm sorry you're such a hyper-sensitive asswipe." See? Your "apology" is actually an insult.



• Realize that sometimes your transgression is so deep, so horrid, that sorry doesn't mean shit. In cases like these, just hide the sharp objects and automatic weapons, issue the apology and run like hell.



• If at all possible, make amends. Obviously, you can't unfuck her sister, but if it was her favorite blouse you fouled, offer to buy her a new one.



• Sincerity is key. If you aren't feeling it, don't say it. There is nothing more ass-chapping than an unrepentant fool pretending otherwise.



• Gifts may help your cause, but they may also prolong the agony. Every time Kobe's wife looks at that four-million-dollar ring, it is a very pricey reminder that at best her husband is a philanderous shitbag; at worst, a rapist. I had a boyfriend send a dozen roses to my office after a particularly nasty argument. While moderately touched by the gesture, their presence also had the effect of transporting me right back to our fight. On my ride home that evening, a nice gentleman plopped himself into the seat next to me and smiled at my flowers.



"Somebody did good," he remarked sunnily. The dark clouds moved in and my head started to throb. "Actually, somebody did really, really bad, which is why I got these," I growled, telling him way more than he wanted to know. The nice gentleman's eyes widened and he started to back away. "This is the FTD 'I've Been a Fucking Jackass' bouquet!" I informed him with a snarl.



I scared that poor man right off the subway, and for that I apologize. No, really! o



Volume 17, Issue 37
©2004 All rights reserved.

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