By Deacon Gray 2010
“Finding my measure between the savage dark predator, and the guilt at the pain and chaos it causes.”
“I wanted to devour her. Over the last few nights I had found her at the club, watched her moving her body sensually to the dark industrial beats. She smiled at me over her demure shoulder that stood out against the dark shining hair that screamed Asian decent. It was a smile that said more than yes…it begged to claim, to be taken to new places in life and lust. It was a smile that said she would fold to me, to my black hunger.
The music faded and a new song stirred the souls of the dancers, but my beautiful flower moved off the floor and over toward her table, her green eyes searching the crowd and finding me, than darting away girlishly. I could have her, every fiber of my being knew it was true, and I felt a quickening inside me at the idea of her flesh molding around mine.
I would have her, and claim her, make the beautiful daisy of a girl she was, wilt in the heat, and be diminished in the storm of my need.
Guilt flooded over and through me, and with out a word I slipped away from my table and wandered off into the night. My hunger would have to be satisfied by lesser delights. I simply couldn’t raze her soul like I had so many others.”
In the vampire movies and books the struggle has been played time and again in the darkening hearts of the main character. Always there is that pull toward the wicked, the dark aspect of their being, and than the moral foundation on which they had been raised. The struggle is a wicked torment, dramatic and in its own way romantic. We don’t live in novels and movies however, and real life has trials all of its own.
The way were are raised often comes into conflict with the very nature of our being. The Night Kind, those of us, no matter what you call yourself, that have found ourselves living a shadowed life. A life that at one extreme leads toward the darkest parts of our souls, and at the other extreme the tragic suffering at the denial of what we truly are and hunger for.
A friend recently told me that he felt like the community as a whole was pressing the Predator inside him back into the coffin. Like many others he felt the strong pull toward the hunt, toward the aspects of hunger and need that for so long in his life he had been told wasn’t moral. Now the very community that once roared its way out of the darkness, was now sitting in the edge of declaring its own soccer mom rules. Worst they declare themselves victims of a foul affliction.
It seemed like I was looking at two extremes one end of the bell curve sat the most wicked, the most savage of us. Perhaps it is those we all poopoo when they step outside of what the community, indeed humanity, feels is acceptable. The killers that proclaim themselves vampires, the ones we rightfully disavow.
One the other end is the Victim. The ones to whom this community itself is a sham, one that sprung up under the shadow of being forced to need energy from others. Those who struggle against their nature, wishing they could be cured of it, that their illness could be uncovered and fixed so that those hungers would simply go away.
I have always wondered at it, the balance it seems to me we all need to find, the classic yin yang in the very nature and disposition in which we currently reside. How is it that we can have such dark drives, the hunters drive, and yet not loose control, and still be able to live with who and what we are?
Finding a balance to me seems like the only way, but of course that is the obvious way as well. Yet how do we find this balance, this Twilight between our night side and the day side of our existence? It is perhaps the most common question, even the first question people as when they come into the community, and yet still the divide remains in the community and is not quickly to come to a end.
It is not just the individual balance at peril; it is the very soul of the community swing on the pendulum. The divide between those on one side or the other of the debate seem unable to find any real balance between them.
Perhaps this is where we start our path, perhaps this is in it self the point of awakening the point of understanding our nature, and learning we have to find out how to abide it, and make it become at one with who we are day to day. Perhaps we it is truly what we are learning, how to be who we are, and yet survive in this humanity in which we also reside, with out getting lost in the light. Perhaps these are not new thoughts, but they have been on my mind.