The Importance of Boundaries

[Aislin Ni MorRhiaghan]

Boundaries mark off limits and set personal divisions. This is an
innately and important part of territory, safety, lifestyle,
respect, families, households, and havens. One should also align the
remaining tennets of the Veil with the direction and establishment
of boundaries as personal means of establishing personal space and
as a means of establishing public space. These are very important to
the community as we often interact with many diverse cultures,
philosophies, beliefs, and lifestyles. We are very special in the
ability to not only instinctively establish territory, but to also
logically establish it. In the wild, animals settle their
territorial disputes by fighting it out. We are more intelligent
than that and we are more sophisticated than to allow others to push
us into a state of instinctive violence.

The purpose of establishing boundaries is first and foremost for the
safety of the individual on all levels. Those who have no personal
or public boundaries are not healthy people to establish
friendships, relationships, or Family relationships. Those who are
constantly trying to play spygames, behave in a duplicitous manner,
engage in consistantly bad behavior (both publicly and privately),
or who consistently physically violate the personal space of others
are unlikely to have established healthy boundaries as a child and
thus their boundaries are not well established into adulthood.

However establishing healthy responses to these people is integral
to establishing our own boundaries. For instance, instead of saying
Mr/Miss is a total classless jerk, it is better to say instead that
Mr/Miss is not a healthy person for ME to be around and therefore I
refuse to further engage this person. Disengaging serves several
purposes. It draws the line between one personal space and the
other, it empowers the individual to recognise and foster positive
and healthy people, and it further defines and establishes the
desire to be a positive part of the community. Responding to those
who are lacking in boundaries in a negative manner only allows them
another door to further continue their behavior.

In the vampyre community territory is very important. It not only
establishes the personal boundaries of the individual but also the
boundaries around appropriate behavior regarding wards (both of the
community and established households), donors, and members. To
further establish the importance of boundaries in the community, if
someone violates my ward's boundaries they are not only being
disrespectful of my ward but also to me as well. If someone is
pledged to a household or family and another household actively
recruits that person they are not only being disrespectful to the
pledge but also to the household and the elders that hold it. This
is very bad form and does little more than cause drama in the
community that we simply can not afford to have.

Establishing personal boundaries is key to establishing nightside
boundaries. Ask yourself what are my comfort zones? What behavior
will I allow/actively participate in and which ones will I not? What
physical/sexual/emotional/intellectual limitations are necessary to
keep my life comfortable and without issue? Most importantly...what
behaviors make me feel unsafe? Remember that just because I use the
word unsafe does not always inply fear or a threat by superiority,
but merely the desire to disassociate from unhealthy situations and
people for our own personal growth.

In this community where everything goes and is accepted with few
acceptions it is imperative that we establish ourselves not only by
behavior but also by spoken word. If someone violates your personal
space, tell them. If they continue to violate your space, remove
them from your space by ignoring them. I know very few egotists that
will stick around after being snubbed. However most of the time the
issue is not malicious but accidental, simply because a boundary has
not been recognised or expressed. In any case, the best route is to
simply recognise your boundaries through personal awareness,
establish your boundaries through spoken word, disengage if
necessary, and never be reactive (unless of course your life is in
danger). Always behave in a positive manner.

Remember that we can not control the actions of others, but we can
control our own actions. We can not control the behavior of others
but we should at all times be in full control of ours.



Eternally,

Aislin Ni MorRhiaghan
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